July 26 Daily Entry -- So Many Thoughts

I woke up this morning, and the thought of getting out of bed made me want to cry. The thought of the heat, of the day spent being broken and alone. The thought of my whole day spent in uncomfortable efforts to not be broken and alone. The thought of being a failure, no direction, no promise.

I walked to the park wondering what one lives for when they reach my age and don't have children or a career. Nothing. You can't live for yourself.

I thought of young me who was filled with promise and energy and curiosity. And the fact that she still exists. And I thought of old me, who I hope is at peace. I am tied to them. Is it enough to live for them, so they can be happy where they are?

I saw a man in a faded orange shirt pass by. He passed behind a bush, and as he continued forward, another man in the exact same shad of faded orange shirt got up and followed him, without speaking, as if pre-arranged. They are probably together in the same organization. But what if the second man was just taking the first man's place in life? Switching like twins, although they were not.

Is my energy field really a torus? If so, what can it do? Can it draw in new thoughts and expell old ones?

I want to go backward. I want to return to a time when I was happy and life made sense. But I can only go forward. How to I find my way forward to a time when I am happy and life makes sense? Do I follow someone in an orange shirt?

I grew up in a time of peace and prosperity. It was the end of a time of peace, but we didn't know that. We thought it could only go on forever, and we were happy.

First I was separated from my community, and denied full entry into a new one. I was not one of them. I was alone and my world fell silent.

Then a child shot up a library full of children, some of whom were held up as martyrs for their faith. It could have been me. I dreamed of being hunted.

Two towers fell, knocked down by another set of martyrs for another faith. I dreamed of running down the never-ending stairwell of a burning building, holding high-heeled shoes in my hand.

A war was waged, though it was as senseless as any war that ever took place. Young men became martyrs, and we didn't even know why.

I didn't know what to do. I went to school, because I was told this was the correct path, but I had no interests. I did not know myself. I only knew who people wanted me to be. I studied nothing. Became no one.

Bankers built houses of cards, hoping that when they all came crashing down, there would be money underneath. But there was no money. Nor were there homes for those who needed them.

I studied law. I learned of a giant, slow-moving system that benefitted no one except those who made up the system. It was nothing but a labrynth of words. It was a trick. A mass illusion.

And all the while in the world around the labrynth the sun kept burning hotter and the rivers started to dry up. Fires burned in the west and floods washed away cities of the east.

In response to increasing stress, my body churned out more and more chemicals. I had no faith in my ability to survive a hostile world, and no indication there would be human mercy if I needed it. I was alone in the world, and could depend only on myself to survive its horrors. And the horrors surrounded me on all sides.

But I had to keep going. I had to make money. I owed money to those same banks that built their houses of cards, and to the government that waged a war that I never asked for on my behalf.

So I ignored my body and its cries of danger. I ignored my mind and its mourning for the past. And I became a human resource for the machine of capitalism to use and dispose.

For a while we had hope. People seemed as though they were willing to unite and create a future we could all live in. The grown-ups were in charge, and things would get better.

I made the money I needed to pay off the banks and I became a teacher. The world wasn't perfect and it wasn't just, but it could be, and I would be a participant in it.

But instead it all fell apart. Monsters arose and showed their ugliest faces in broad daylight. They screamed in hatred and in pain. People turned on each other so openly. They sought to punish each other to prove that they were better.

My body and mind finally turned on me. After years of doctors saying I was fine, it became clear I was not fine. Something was very wrong, and would never be right again. My body could no longer withstand the labrynth.

It became clear that our collective illusion was a lie. The people in charge were neither capable nor kind. Following the rules got you nowhere. Education was a not a path to a better life. Working hard did not guarantee you a house, or a job, or a way to support your family, or even the very breath in your lungs. We are promised nothing.

People questioned the very fabric of the world. Is there a moon? Are there birds? Are the medicines we believe in just fairy tales, with no more healing powers than the rocks in the ground.

Disease spread across the world, and we believed we were exempt, but of course we were not. There is nothing that makes us different from humans anywhere else. Or from animals anywhere else.

I learned that my body will never be whole again. I ignored it and abused it and took it for granted. I believed it would always be there, that it would always be sound, and I damaged it beyond repair.

We were gifted a time of unspeakable good fortune, and we squandered it. We came to love money above all else, above even the homeless carpenter who turned over tables in the temple, and his jealous father who destroyed the golden calf.

So now what? How do I move forward in a world that doesn't make sense? There are no authorities anymore. We have invented authorities to suit ourselves. So who do I follow?

Must I blaze my own trail? My body is broken and my blood is weak. I don't have the energy to swim against the tides.

The world I was raised to believe in has crumbled before my eyes. But I cannot build a new one alone.