Aug 4 Daily Entry -- Attention

I am light-headed, and I worry about getting home safely, but I have told no one. What I have learned from seeing doctors for the past year is that they can't help. The act like they can, but then they refuse to listen, they recommend treatments you've tried unsuccessfully so that you can try them unsuccessfully again. They rarely have anything to offer that works, but they are so convinced of their powers that they bully you into false treatments.

So if I tell someone, it only calls attention to the issue. I went to tell my husband, and instead I just told him that I love him. Yes, I am struggling to breathe and to remain upright. Yes, I am worried about getting home. But telling him accomplishes nothing but making us both think about my frailty.

So I say "I love you." I reach out and make a connection. I say "I am here and we are together" and he says "I know. It's true." And I am reminded that I am not alone. What happens, happens, and there is one person who cares deeply about my existence.

I can't expect him to care about every physical ailment I have. I have so many, and they happen so constantly. And expecting him to care every time I experience discomfort is unfair to him. So I've stopped telling him about the aches and the pains and the difficulties functioning. Instead I just say, "I'm here" and I know that if I weren't here, it would make a difference to him.